


You're a bow and arrow, a broken guitar

by calissequecestmignon



Category: How to Get Away with Murder
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Coliver Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, M/M, Porn with Feelings
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-05
Updated: 2015-03-06
Packaged: 2018-03-16 12:03:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 7,551
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3487562
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/calissequecestmignon/pseuds/calissequecestmignon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>in which Oliver and Connor dance around each other trying to figure things out, think about sex, are mean and are kind and finally live happily ever after.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. you're a bow and arrow

**Author's Note:**

> I have two stories that chronicle the same events from from both Connor and Oliver's POV. . I took some lines direct from canon but changed them slightly, not sure what the protocol is for that as this is the first thing I've posted here. Let me know if I'm doing something super wrong!  
> I took the title from a song I've been listening to nonstop so check out the song if you like by Reuben and the Dark

Connor leans against the desk watching Oliver working on his computer. He is wearing three layers of clothing indoors and still feels a little cold. Everything about him feels raw, and he is nursing an emotional hangover so strong he can barely speak.

 He looks at Oliver out of the corner of his eye, looks away, looks back. He can't keep his eyes off him but he can't look either.  Finally he speaks and his voice is barely a whisper "So that guy from the other night, the one with the biceps? He wasn't here last night?"

 Oliver responds in a voice that Connor did not know he had but which he is rapidly getting used to hearing, it's a lot harder than the way he used to speak to Connor.

 "You don't get to ask me about who I'm sleeping with." 

 Connor keeps going, he needs to know "So you're fucking that guy?"

 Oliver flinches slightly at the word "fucking" and Connor knows he only used it to make it seem more sordid and less painful for himself. But Oliver doesn't say anything about the language just repeats: "You don't get to know anything right now".

 Connor feels the burn of that, of Oliver making sure he understands that he is on the outside. Making Connor see that he has lost something important and that the balance of power in their relationship is shifting.  Then Oliver relents "He went back to his ex.." and lets that hang there between them. He glances up at Connor but Connor looks away, relieved.

 Then Oliver says, in that hard voice he has found "but I'm not fucking you either".

 They watch Netflix.  What they watch, Connor couldn't even say. He sits on his end of the couch, relegated there by Oliver's new rules. He does not try to playfully scooch over, he does not use his winningest smile and most flirtatiously outrageous lines. He does not look Oliver in the eye. He curls into himself and watches what is on. He drinks the glass of water Oliver puts in front of him and picks at the food put in front of him and he breathes in and he breathes out and he tries really hard not to think about anything at all. He especially tries not to think about what will happen when the show is over and the TV goes off and Oliver sends him out to his own apartment. He does not want to ever leave here.   When the show ends, Oliver gets up and leaves the room.  Connor can hear him in the bathroom, brushing his teeth, getting ready to turn in. He knows he should get up, find his shoes. Oliver comes back with a pillow from the bed and a blanket. He puts them down on the couch. "It's late", he says in his nice Oliver voice. "Why don't you just sleep on the couch tonight?"

 Three nights later Connor is still on Oliver's couch. He goes out to school, he goes out to work and he comes home to Oliver. Oliver has not touched him. He has not relented one tiny bit. He never even calls Connor by name. But every morning he says "See you tonight" and every night he opens the door and lets him in like he belongs there.

 It's Saturday morning but Connor wakes up early anyway. Oliver is still asleep in his room. Connor has awoken, like he has every morning on this couch, with an erection demanding attention. Is this the longest he has ever gone without having sex? He's sure it is as he trails his own hand down to his hard cock. He can't even be bothered to make himself come. He sighs. He does not know what to do, how to break this impasse with Oliver. Or how to make himself get up and go. He feels caught here by something he doesn't quite understand.

 Connor gets up and heads to the shower. He's just drying off when the door opens and Oliver walks in, sleepy-eyed, wearing boxers and nothing else. "I gotta pee" he says and proceeds to do just that.

Connor is riveted into place, holding the towel protectively over his body as though Oliver hasn't already kissed, licked and touched every inch of him.  As though Oliver hasn't already seen straight through him. 

 "I, ah, thought I should go back to my place this morning" Connor says to his own surprise. He hadn't actually thought any such thing until right this very minute. The sweet domesticity of this bathroom encounter is too bittersweet. Alone may be painful but it might be an easier pain than this one to bear.

 Oliver is washing his hands, his back to Connor but he looks up into the mirror and their eyes meet. Oliver smiles "I'm making coffee. And you may as well have some breakfast". He goes out, leaving Connor standing there, naked and uncertain.

 


	2. while the rain water washes away who you are

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which Oliver and Connor talk about crazy love

Over breakfast Oliver asks him straight out  "Have you ever been crazy in love with someone?" Connor's first thought is a flippant reply but he bites it back. He can feel Oliver's eyes directly on him and he flushes slightly. "Uh, yeah, actually, I have", he says. "With who?" asks Oliver. "Tell me about it".

 Tell me about it. Connor gathers his thoughts. Tell me about it. What do you put in and what do you leave out when you tell stories about yourself, he thinks. Do you make it true or more interesting or make yourself look better? Do you skip the parts that are so heartbreaking you can't bear to remember them never mind speak them out loud?

 He thinks back to high school. And he says tentatively,  "In high school, with this guy". He pauses, breathes in and  says it  "Aiden". Just saying that name here in Oliver's kitchen brings back a wash of memories. It doesn't hurt anymore, it's more like a leftover memory of pain than pain itself. 

 "Was he your first?" prompts Oliver.

 Connor can't help but smile at that.  "God, no!  But before him it was all blow jobs and hand jobs, you know? Aiden was the first guy I actually, like _had sex_ with, you know, in a bed, clothes all off, all that exploring, learning and touching and , I don't know, feeling, I guess." He looks up at Oliver "Do you know what I mean?" 

 Oliver nods. "Yeah", he says. "I know what you mean." He hesitates then asks "What happened?  How did it end? Did you get bored and move on to someone else?" 

 Connor is surprised at the sudden feeling of indignation this arises in him-that Oliver clearly thinks of him in this way, callous and easily distracted, unfeeling even. It's so at odds with what really happened that Connor feels unfairly maligned somehow.

  "No" he says. "He, um, just, um, dumped me at the end of school. At graduation. Just like that". Connor goes on in a rush of words. "I was making plans for the future.  I thought we were going to live together and go to university together and just always _be_ together but the entire time I was thinking that, he was planning to leave me. He never hesitated. For him, we were done. He was finished being in love with me and I was that cliched mess, couldn't eat or sleep, cried a lot--a lot--and my sister basically took care of me most of that summer.  Then in the fall I started university and realized there were lots of guys to have sex with. And I realized how much I liked having sex with lots of different guys. And, I don't know, after awhile, a long while really, I just got over him I suppose, like people do."

 Connor plays with the coffee cup, turning it around and around in his hands and some coffee sloshes out onto the table. He remembers what a relief it had been to no longer think about Aiden every day, to wake up one morning and to realize it had been two days, four days, a week since he had gone over every detail of their relationship in his mind. It was a relief to just be okay, finally.

 Oliver asks '"Did you ever see him again?"

 "Yeah, funnily enough, I did see him recently. He's getting married. To a woman. So...yeah".

 "What did he say to you?" asks Oliver. Connor sounds bitter when he answers "He acted like it never happened".

 They sit in silence for a few seconds and Connor looks at Oliver "What about you? Ever been crazy in love?" Connor watches Oliver's hands on his own coffee cup. The silence stretches and then Oliver says "No, not quite". Connor feels something tug at his stomach. He's surprised. He was so sure that Oliver was going to say 'Yes'.


	3. we go over the mountains

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which Connor gets explanations that he does not like

As it turns out, even though it is Saturday, Connor never does leave the apartment. His books are there so he sits and studies through the rest of the morning and then into the afternoon, Oliver pecking away on the computer, doing Oliver things, humming along to his music. It's peaceful and Connor is the most at ease he has been since he showed up here having a panic attack and Oliver took him in.

 The problem is, he does not know where he stands with Oliver. Are they friends? Are they lovers having a spat? Are they making up or falling apart? Connor doesn't dare even make a move on Oliver because he doesn't want to be turned down. When Oliver said they weren't fucking, did he mean forever, or just for now? But what if Oliver is waiting for him to make a move? It's impossible to know what game Oliver is playing and Connor turns the evidence over and over in his mind, trying to figure out what is going on. Normally so forthright, he realizes he is a little afraid right now of pissing Oliver off. Oliver is not quite the same guy as he was before they split up. He has his mean voice. He is more distant, he keeps his thoughts to himself. He is clearly intent on keeping to his statement that Connor does not deserve his confidences.

Connor is trying to be good without even fully knowing what constitutes 'good' in Oliver's eyes. It's frustrating. And if he thinks too much about Oliver, it's sexually frustrating too. If he looks too long at him, he can't help but remember stripping off his clothing and running his hands down his body and rubbing his -.

 Fuck, fuck fuck, he thinks. He can't help but play back that time he showed up at Oliver's door, barging in and saying "Take off your clothes" and the incredible sex they had before they both had to go to work. Oh, my god, it was so fucking hot--Oliver could be so willing to do anything if Connor asked him nicely or teased him into it. He remembers they had to shower twice because they fucked after taking a shower and got all sweaty again. He must have run his hands and tongue down every single inch of Oliver that morning.They had both been late for work.

 Fuck and fuck again, he's just making himself miserable with these thoughts.  How many times am I going to have to go jerk off in the bathroom? Jerk off while remembering Oliver's hands, and Oliver's kisses and Oliver's...

 Connor snaps his mind back to his books with a groan. Oliver looks up "Problem?" he asks.

 Connor pulls his textbook into his lap to hide the evidence "No, just a lot of reading", he says.

 Maybe he should just go out for a bit and find a quick hook-up. That might solve this problem for a little while anyway. Just a quick meaningless fuck. Think how good it would feel. And there's so many hot guys out there just wanting it, unlike Oliver who clearly does not want it at all. 

 "Hey, look"  Oliver interrupts his thoughts, pointing to something on the computer. "This is that guy from your case, did you know he was gay?" 

 "What?" Connor goes to look over Oliver's shoulder. He's on Humpr of all things and there's the guy from their latest case in all his beautiful glory. Connor watches as Oliver clicks through the pictures. This guy is seriously hot, Connor can almost imagine what it would be like...Oliver cuts through his thoughts "Stare a little harder, why don't you?" and Connor snaps his eyes away like a naughty child, caught. He looks at Oliver and Oliver laughs at him, closing the site. What does he want? Connor thinks. What am I supposed to be doing? I'm not allowed to touch Oliver, I'm not supposed to look at other guys?  Frustrated and annoyed he says to Oliver "You've kinda got me on a short leash here". 

 Oliver looks surprised "Is that what you think is going on here? A bit of game playing? That I'm trying to control your behaviour? That I'm punishing you for cheating on me?" 

 Connor thinks to himself 'Cheating on me'? Is that how Oliver thinks about it? It was just sex. For work.  He and Oliver hadn't even established that they were exclusive, it was all still pretty new. But he doesn't say any of that because he also knows that if Oliver feels that he was cheated on, no amount of fact-based argument is going to change that.

 Instead he says "What am I supposed to think? You've got me into this, I don't know " he looks around the room like the words are hidden somewhere,  "this enforced celibacy. You won't have sex with me, I'm not allowed to fuck anybody else. I'm trying to please you somehow and I don't know how. I don't know if you let me stay here because you like me or you hate me but either way, yeah, you're in control and yes, I do feel like I'm on a very short leash with you".

As he has been speaking his voice has been getting lower and lower as he loses his sense of certainty. His last few words are barely a whisper. Connors' hands are shaking so he tucks them under his arms. He looks at Oliver defiantly, daring him to deny. Oliver takes in a deep breath and puffs it out again. Okay. "Sit down" he says gently. "Let me explain myself"

 Connor sits on the couch and Oliver sits next to him.  Closer than he has sat all week. He talks, not in his new mean Oliver voice, but in his old sweet Oliver voice. But he doesn't say what Connor wants to hear.

 "I'm not trying to punish you, okay?  What happened, happened. I thought we were having one kind of relationship and found out you were thinking of it very differently. I mean, you had sex with that guy for work! Just like you first had sex with me for your work.  Do you not see how that is? Can you not try to understand how that makes me feel? And can't you even think that maybe these panic attacks you have are related to that guy? Not just fucking him but fucking him over and watching him..." He stops, not willing to say it out loud but Connor fills in the words in his head 'Die right in front of you, _because of you_ '.

 Oliver starts again,  "We're very different people. I don't sleep with a lot of guys. It's not me, it's not something I'm very comfortable with and even bringing you home here that first night we met isn't really like me but I just really wanted to be with you and I was afraid of missing my chance so I did it and I was happy that I did. So yes, it hurt me a lot when I realized you were still seeing other guys. I should have realized, of course. I should have known but I, I don't know, maybe I didn't want to really know. I was having such a great time with you.   But now, I'm not playing some game with you where I withhold sex for a period of time just to frustrate you  or make you want me. I'm not trying to keep you celibate. You're free to have sex with anyone you want. Except me. Because I can't control _you_ , I can only control myself. You can go back to Humpr and fuck somebody new every week or every day, that's entirely up to you and I'm not telling you not to. I'm just saying that I'm not going to have that kind of sex. I can't have a relationship with someone who is sleeping around. I can be friends with you if that's what you want to do. But I can't be your boyfriend, I can't be casual about sex with you. I'm sorry if you feel that I'm using sex to get back at you. Or the promise of sex at some undefined point in the future just to keep you here.  I'm really not. I'm worried about you and I do like having you stay here. As a friend. But you should feel free to go have sex with anyone else if that's what you need or want."

Connor looked at Oliver. "But if I do that, you'll never take me back, will you?" 

 Oliver shook his head. "No. Because if that's what you want, there's nothing for us." 

 Connor dropped his head into his hands. "You say you don't want to control me but you _are_ in control. I don't want to be begging you all the time, Oliver.". 

 Oliver got up from the couch. His face was set and he looked pissed. He was suddenly back to his mean voice. "I don't know what else to tell you. Except maybe stop thinking with your dick all the time" and he walked off.

 


	4. and under the stars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which Oliver is mean and Connor is sad

Connor studies all afternoon.  He is tempted to just sneak a peek at HumpR but he doesn't do it. And despite what Oliver said to him, he knows it's because he doesn't want to be caught looking. He feels shamed by Oliver's words. He feels shamed by what he did to Pax. Shame is a hard one to deal with and with Oliver right there, there is no hiding from it. But the thing is, even though it is clear he is free to go, he doesn't.

 Part way through the afternoon, when Oliver is heading down to the building laundry room to do his laundry, he asks "Oliver, do you want me to leave? Do you want to be alone this afternoon?"

 Oliver looks surprised at the question "No, not at all. In fact, if you want to wear some of my sweats, I can put your stuff in the laundry with mine. Then I'm going to pop out for a bit to pick up some food, we've been eating a lot of crap,  I thought I could cook for us tonight".

 So Connor changes into Oliver's things and stays. Shame, embarrassment, fear, nothing that Connor feels can seem to make him leave. He knows he is waiting to be put out by Oliver. Expecting it and dreading it in equal measure. What will he do when Oliver makes him go?

 After supper, they watch a movie. Connor's mind wanders. He thinks again about sex with Oliver. He thinks about how good it felt to have Oliver's mouth on his penis, how soft his tongue was, how thoroughly he kissed his balls, how Oliver could make Connor's toes curl with a blow job, how he could make him come so hard he could barely move after.  He shifts on the couch, his memory induced erection straining against his pants.

 Oliver looks over and takes it in at a glance. He smiles, "Thinking about me?"

 Connor tries the direct approach. He meets his eyes.  "Yes" he smiles. "Don't you ever think about me?".

  "I do" says Oliver.

 "What exactly do you think?" Connor is fishing now for compliments.

 Oliver leans over close to Connor. He looks right at him and Connor cannot tear his eyes away and Oliver says softly "I think about that 'thing you did to my ass that made my eyes water'".

 Connor flinches, shamed once again. He blushes, his eyes filling with tears. Oliver gets up and walks off.

  "Oliver" Connor calls after him softly. But he doesn't turn around.

 Connor waits for his erection to subside and goes after Oliver. When he walks into the kitchen, Oliver grabs him and pushes him up against the wall. His mouth is on Connor's and as Connor feels his warm tongue, his erection is back harder than ever. Oliver holds him in place, his mouth insistent and then he pushes his hips tight into Connor and Connor can feel Oliver's own erection rubbing up against his. He surrenders completely to this kiss, his entire body  yearning for more. But as soon as it starts, it is finished. Oliver lets him go and he feels the cold air around him.

 Oliver is angry, but with himself, not Connor."We shouldn't be doing this".

 "Oliver, I want this, I want you" Connor is nearly begging, begging again after saying he wouldn't . "Oliver, I really like you.

Oliver is breathing like he's run a race. He's flustered and says, in the saddest voice Connor has ever heard from him, "Don't you get it?  I more than like you. I wish..." He stops talking and takes a deep breath. Connor can sense Oliver gathering himself in. Then he says "This is really tough. Maybe you should go".

 Connor feels the words like a physical blow. "Please, Oliver. Please, don't make me go. You're the only person I can count on right now. You're the only person I can trust".

 "It feel nice, doesn't it? says Oliver. "It feels safe having someone to trust. Now can you see why it's so hard for me when I can't trust you?"

 Connor starts to cry. He brushes away the tears with his hand. They stand there watching each other and neither speaks. Until Oliver shakes himself a little and says "Okay. It's okay. Just stay". He goes into the bathroom and closes the door. Connor is left in the kitchen. I can't carry on like this, he thinks to himself. I have to get my shit together.

 


	5. interlude

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which Connor goes for coffee with the other Keating students

On Monday, before Keating's class, Connor goes for coffee with Michaela, Asher and Laurel. "Where's Wes?" Connor asks.

  "Banging Rebecca" answers Asher. Asher looks Connor up and down "Hey bro, you doing the walk of shame this morning?"

 Connor is confused "What? What do you mean?"

 "Hey, man, it's clearly nothing off MY ass but I'm pretty sure that's the same sweater we all saw you in when we left you on Friday", he smirks.

 Laurel turns to check him out "Yes, that is definitely the same sweater. Have a busy weekend?" she laughs.

 Michaela looks at him in mock horror "Oh, my god, Connor. Did you spend the weekend with the _same guy_?  The entire week end? Is that even possible? Who could it be? Someone you want to tell us about?" 

 Connor smirks at her and leans in close so only she can hear him. "There is someone I _could_ tell you about, I'm sure you'd love to hear what I have to say about _your_ guy". Even when he is being mean to Michaela, Connor refuses to say Aiden's name.

 To the others he says "I didn't have time to go by my place this morning. I need to go by after class and pick up some things." 

 Laurel looks at him quizzically "Are you staying with someone?"

 Connor fidgets with his phone. "Just for awhile" he clears his throat. "With a friend".

 "A friend?" asks Laurel. "What friend do you have that isn't us?"

  Asher says "I'm sure this guy has friends all over town, man, he whips out his voodoo penis and makes friends just like that" He snaps his fingers and laughs.

 Michaela has put two and two together. "Is it that hacker guy who broke your heart? The one you Facebook stalked for weeks? Did you two get back together?" 

 "I'm just staying there for a bit and no, he didn't break my heart, and no, we are not getting _back_ together because we never _were_ together."

  "Really. Uh, huh. Well, you can tell stories all you want Connor Walsh but I know you definitely had a thing for him and if you're just over there using him for sex now, that's going to come back and bite you in the ass, you know".

 Connor rolls his eyes at her. "I am not using him for sex. In fact, I am not having any sex at all with him. Or with anyone else for that matter".

 "What happened, dude? Phone break? Lose your internet privileges?" asks Asher.

 "No, my phone did not break, my internet works, I just thought I should spend more time studying to make sure I beat all your asses in this class".

 All three of them look dubious at that explanation.  They've seen Connor take a fifteen minute break between classes and somehow find someone to fuck in the bathroom stall.  Something is not on the up and up here.

 "So what the fuck, man" Asher continues "Saving yourself for marriage?"

 "What's it to you of all people, Asher? Why are you suddenly so interested in my sex life?" 

 "Dude, it's so fucking hard for straight guys to get laid. I just admire your abilities".

  "Okay, boys, enough of that. We had better get to class",  Laurel starts gathering up her things.

 Michaela walks with Connor. "Connor, listen, I know I tease you a lot and I know.." she holds up one hand to stop him as he starts to interrupt her. "and I know we have some unsettled stuff between us. But I think it's great that you've found someone to be with. It's always nice to know someone has your back".

 "Even if it's your gay fiancee?"

 "Oh, my god,  Connor, you are such a big dick."

  "You know it, baby, did your gay boyfriend let you in on that? 'Cause he loved my big..". Michaela interrupts him "Fuck you, asshole".

"Yeah, he loved that too."

 


	6. won't you hold my hands over my heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which Connor makes a friend and Oliver goes on a date

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like this doesn't quite tie up all the loose ends...it reads a bit off so if anyone has helpful suggestions, I would definitely rework it.

Connor bumps into Julian in the hallway at work. Julian gives him a big smile. “Busy?” Connor hesitates “Actually, do you want to, uh, grab a coffee with me?” Julian is surprised. He checks the time on his phone and shrugs his shoulders, “Sure, I guess I could do that”. 

Connor grabs the coffee while Julian grabs a table. “So what’s up? I admit I’m rather curious about what could possibly keep you out of the bathroom stall.”

 Connor laughs, “Yeah, I know it doesn’t seem like me but I guess I’m not myself lately”. He looks at Julian. “So, you have a boyfriend, right?”

 “Oh, fuck, where is this going?” Julian is suddenly on alert, ‘Don’t tell me..”

 Connor interrupts him.”No, it’s nothing like that, I just, I don’t know, I’m wondering how you do it, like how you have this boyfriend and still have time for hookups whenever …and does your boyfriend know about it? Does he do it too? Do you guys have an open relationship? I know this is none of my business, but”

 Now Julian interrupts “Are you having boyfriend troubles? ‘Cause I don’t think I’m the best person for giving advice on that”.

 “No, I mean, sort of, but no. I’m just trying to figure out some things. I don’t have a lot of friends in the city to talk to, I’ve only been here a few months, so I thought maybe you…?”

 Julian visibly relaxes. He thinks for a bit and then  answers seriously and Connor gets a glimpse of who this guy really is beyond someone to get a blow job from in between classes.

“Look, Connor. I don’t have an open relationship, I’m just a guy cheating on a guy because I want to, because I can, because I don’t care enough not to.  And honestly, even I know that it’s kind of a shitty thing to do to someone. So if you’re trying to figure out how to have an open relationship the guy you need to talk to is _your_ guy because really he’s the only one that matters and if you can’t talk to him and you want to just sneak around fucking whoever, get ready to be evasive and a liar as well as a cheat because no matter what you think about slutting around from a moral perspective, that’s what it takes. My boyfriend right now is not the love of my life,  he’s just a guy I like doing stuff with so I don’t feel guilt about what I do. Usually. But honestly, unless someone is a complete fucking sociopath, cheating will make you feel bad at one point or another, maybe soon, maybe later, so just be honest with yourself if not with anyone else. I imagine that one day when I really love someone, I’m not even going to think about anyone else. It’s not going to be a hard decision."

Connor shakes his head. "I'm actually not thinking about cheating. I'm thinking more about monogamy. I think I have a chance at something really good but I've fucked up before with him. I need him to trust me. I need him to know I'm not going to fuck around on him"

There is a pause. “Well now” says Julian checking the time on his phone, “I have about fifteen minutes before I need to be somewhere, so if you like we can find somewhere quiet and you can do that thing to me that you do so well” he smiles.

 Connor smiles and shakes his head “Sorry”.

 “Don’t be. Let's face it, Connor. We build trust by being trustworthy, there's no shortcut”. says Julian. “Maybe you’re in love with this guy”.

 “Maybe.” Connor says, then “Thanks, Julian, I know this isn’t really within the realm of HumpR hook-ups.”

 “Well, we’ve been fuck-buddies, maybe now we can be friends instead.”

 ___________

 

He knocks on the door but there is no answer. Knocks again. There is no sound from inside. Connor stands there, unsure. Is Oliver out? He didn't say anything this morning did he? Connor thinks back, no, he's sure nothing was said. He puts down the bag with his clean clothes he has picked up at his apartment and leans against the wall, pondering his options. Is he locked out on purpose or is Oliver just late? Frankly, the way shit has been going, either option is an equal possibility right now. Fuck it. He's going to have to go back to his own apartment. HIs phone buzzes with a text so he takes it out of his pocket. It's from Laurel _Don't forget to send me those notes later tonight._ Then he sees that he's missed a text from Oliver. _Have to stay late at work. left you a key at 304 neighbour, just ask them._   Connor feels relief spread through him. He really did not want to have to go back to his apartment.

 It's weird letting himself into Oliver's place with the key from the neighbour. Besides a few minutes here  and there when Oliver has been doing laundry or popping out for a quick errand, Connor is never home without him. Connor leaves for school earlier than Oliver leaves and arrives home from work after Oliver does.   _Home_ , Connor corrects himself --this is not his home. But it feels like home. It feels more like home than his own place does but then, Connor never really took to living alone. He had always had a roommate before moving here for law school. It's so quiet in here now. Connor puts on some music and rustles around in the fridge. Maybe he should order pizza. He texts Oliver to see if he is coming home soon and if he wants to eat together. Oliver texts back _going out to eat with work friends. see you later._

 Connor eats a PB & J sandwich, drinks a beer and settles down to study. He figures he has a couple of hours before Oliver gets back but the couple turns to 3 and then 4 and it's nearly midnight when Connor finally hears Oliver's key in the door. By then he has studied, read ahead for next week and sent the notes to Laurel and is sitting on the couch watching a nature documentary on Netflix. By then he has worried and brooded and thought about what to do and what to say to Oliver. He has gone over and over everything a hundred times but he still feels nervous as fuck when he hears Oliver walk in.

 Oliver looks a little unsteady at the door. He nearly trips over the bag Connor has tossed down. “Moving in?”

 “I picked up some clean clothes. I hope it’s okay”.

 “I guess I’ll get my t-shirt back then”. He sounds not quite himself to Connor’s ear.

 Connor goes over to see him. "Are you drunk?"

 "No. I had a couple of drinks, but no, I'm not drunk. Tired mostly".

 "Did you have a nice time with your work friends?"

 "Yeah, it was fun".

 "Was it the same friends you were out with that night _we_ met".

 "Um, some of them, I guess. And then some..other ones..." Oliver's voice trails off, he is in the kitchen getting some water. Connor follows him. Something is off in Oliver's behaviour, he seems evasive. Connor's stomach suddenly feels hollow.

 "Oliver, were you…" he stops not knowing if he wants to even ask the question.

  Oliver ignores him. He is taking off his jacket and tie, looking in the fridge, "What did you eat?" he asks.

 "I had a sandwich".

 Oliver straightens up from the fridge door, closing it. He takes off his glasses and starts cleaning them on his shirt tail.

  "Oliver, were you out on a date with someone?" Connor asks.

 Oliver doesn't answer. Instead he puts his glasses back on, gets another glass of water, turning his back to Connor and so Connor knows that he is right. He knows. And why wouldn't Oliver be out with someone? He's smart, and funny and sexy as hell and kind-hearted and warm. Connor suddenly feels overwhelmed with the understanding that Oliver is moving on without him.

 He must look stricken because Oliver takes pity on him then. "It was planned a long time ago. Kind of a group thing, not just the two of us. To be honest I forgot about it until my friend texted me this morning right after you left to remind me and then it was too late to get out of it without being rude".

 "Sure. Yeah." Connor bites his lip. "Nice guy?" he asks trying for casual but landing somewhere near pathetic.

 "Yes, he seemed nice" Oliver says. "But".

 Relief courses through Connor. Thank god, there's a 'but'. "But?"

  "But I think I have some unresolved issues with someone else that I need to deal with before I start dating".  He looks at Connor. "Are you jealous? Because I didn't do this to try to make you jealous, I don't play games like that."

  "No." says Connor. "I mean, well, yes, no, I, you. Ah, fuck". he hadn't planned on this turn of events, it didn't fit into the speech he had been preparing. He takes a deep breath and wings it. "I don't have the right to say this, I know, but I don't want you to date other people. I want you. I want you to be with me. I want to do whatever needs doing to make that happen. Fuck. I know I fucked up Oliver. I fucked up and you deserved better and I want to fix this but I’m not sure how to. Just the thought of you with someone else, I just, I really like you so much Oliver. I want to be with you and I want to be here _for_ you. I care so much for you, I just.." he stops like he had just run out of steam. 

 Oliver stands looking at him. He says absolutely nothing so Connor takes a breath and keeps going. "When I came to your door that night I was having that panic attack, I'm not sure what I was thinking turning up here. I wasn't thinking clearly, I know that but I know I wanted to be with you even if it meant that you saw me at my very worst. I mean you already knew what I had done because you had heard my recording, of ",  he hesitates and then says his name "Pax. And I think maybe you thought that what I had done didn’t bother me but it did. I felt guilty, I _was_ guilty. I felt ashamed, especially since now _you_ knew."

He stops and looks at the floor and when he looks back up at Oliver his eyes are swimming with tears. "Oliver, I did a bad thing but I'm not a bad person and I would like us to be together. But I don't want it to be a relationship where I'm always the fuck up and you're the guy who tolerates me. I swear Oliver I’m not that guy.  I'm a grown man and I'm ready for this, I really am. But I can't do it if every time you look at me you're seeing me at my very worst, as that guy who fucked information out of someone and watched him die. I can be a person you want to be with, Oliver I promise. And I'm just going to put this out there because I don't know what you’re thinking lately since you barely even speak to me but I more than like you.  I am falling in love with you and if you aren't going to go there with me please tell me now because it's not going to be easy for me to crawl back from that edge".

 There is silence in the room when Connor stops talking. He can hear his heart pounding, he is shaking with nervousness. They look at each other and even though he is fully clothed, Connor feels completely naked.

  "I'm not going there with you.” Oliver says. “ I'm already there."


	7. i want you to close my eyes when it gets dark

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which Oliver and Connor finally get back together and have lovely sex

And suddenly they are together, mouth on mouth, hands frantically grabbing, touching, caressing. No sound but the heavy breathing of both of them. 

Connor pulls back. "Wait, wait, wait" he says. Oliver smiles at him "No waiting" he says and pulls him closer. But Connor steps away again. 

"Look, are you sure?" he asks Oliver. "Are you certain? This isn't going to be just a drunken one-time thing and then we're back in the shit, is it? Cause if it is.." he stops, looking expectantly at Oliver. 

Oliver takes him in with eager eyes, hair messed up and a slight flush on his face, drops his own eyes down to see Connor's penis straining his pants. "I’m not drunk. I'm sure" he says. "I'm really sure." 

Connor smiles with relief. "Then can we just slow this down a bit, take our time, savour the moment so to speak?" He takes Oliver's hand and leads him over to the bed where they both lie down, face to face. Connor kisses Oliver slowly and softly, like they have all the time in the world, which they suddenly do. He unbuttons Oliver's shirt one. button. at. a. time. Peels it off him and then pulls off his own shirt. He kisses and licks his way down, stopping to lick, suck and nibble Oliver's nipples, listening to Oliver's sharp intake of breath.

He undoes Oliver's belt and slides down the zipper of his pants and hears Oliver start a low whine of desire. Shifting his own weight, he pulls his own pants off, then his boxers. He's completely naked now, but Oliver is not. Connor slips one finger into the waistband of Oliver's boxers and gently tugs. Oliver's penis comes peeking out and Connor caresses the tip. He finishes peeling Oliver and using his hand he strokes Oliver's rock hard penis, tiptoes his fingers over his balls, slides a hand under his ass. Oliver is moaning now and starting to rock back and forth against Connor's hand but Connor isn't ready for that now, not yet. There's so much more he wants and needs from Oliver right now. He feels Oliver's hands now on his penis and he pushes them away with a groan "Not yet" he whispers. "Not yet, there's something I want".

"Tell me what you want" Oliver whispers back."Tell me what you want and I'll do it". 

Connor stretches the full length of Oliver so they are toe to toe, head to head kissing again so slowly it is like they are underwater. Oliver asks again "What do you want? Tell me." Connor says, "I want you on top, I want you inside me, I want you to fuck me slowly slowly". 

Oliver is surprised. Except for that time Connor showed up with the take-out and Oliver had insisted otherwise, he has been the top to Oliver's bottom. 

"Are you sure? I know what you're like."

Connor kisses him. "Oh, come on, you know I'm versatile that way." 

"Tell me again" whispers Oliver.

Connor plays along. "Fuck me. Please."

"Oh, I can do that" Oliver says, his mouth right against Connor's ear "I can do that to you". 

Connor closes his eyes so he can concentrate on how good every single touch feels. There is no rush, Oliver is taking his time. He kisses Connor's neck sucking little bites onto him. He gently bites each nipple and lazily circles his belly button with a wet tongue. He slowly drags one hand up the inside of Connor's thigh then back down the other one, barely stroking his aching penis. Now Connor is the one trying to push against Oliver, trying to hurry up the pace, he reaches out and pulls Oliver closer but Oliver grabs both his hands and pulls his arms up over his head, holding him down. "Stay still" he orders.

Connor shakes with the effort of staying still. Oliver's hands move to his ass, his fingers in his ass--one, then two and Connor's whole body trembles. Then he feels Oliver's penis at his ass, and he feels him slide in and he feels himself filled with Oliver and he hears moaning and he knows it is him and he cannot stop, even when Oliver covers his mouth with his own. Oliver fucks him so slowly he thinks he may go crazy. He slips nearly all the way out and all the way in again and again so that Connor is empty and full and empty and full. Oliver rocks hard against him, his weight holding Connor in place. Connor tries to move his hips, tries to increase the pace but he can't get any purchase and Oliver is holding him down and he tells him again "stay still" but he is laughing when he says it because he knows that Connor cannot possibly stay still. 

"I can't" says Connor and Oliver says "you can" and kisses his mouth and Connor moans again arching up to meet Oliver's thrusts. 

They are both so slick with sweat, Connor feels that Oliver could slide right away from him. Then Oliver is whispering to him "Connor. Connor." And Connor feels a thrill just hearing his name from his lips. "Connor" whispers Oliver "Open your eyes, look at me. Watch me fuck you." Connor opens his eyes obediently and he looks right at Oliver and Oliver starts to pick up his pace a little with short, fast thrusts and he says "Connor, watch me come" and Connor watches his face, and watches Oliver close his own eyes when he comes with one hard final push. He collapses onto Connor and breathes in shakily. Then he reaches down and strokes Connor's penis and in two strokes Connor comes too, wild and bucking against Oliver and calling out Oliver's name. 

They lie tangled together, letting the sweat cool, letting their breathing slow. They smell like sweat and sex and each other. They drift off contentedly toward sleep. Just before Oliver drops off to sleep, Connor clears his throat to speak, then falters and tries again. “So maybe tomorrow you could clear out a drawer for me?” 

Oliver laughs and pulls Connor closer, right into him so they are chest to chest, hip to hip, mouth to mouth. “Really?" he says, kissing that mouth. " You want a drawer?”

“No, it’s fine, if you don’t have space” Connor mumbles.

“Let’s not kid around, Connor. You hate your apartment. I think we should just bring all your stuff over here. You can have your own drawers. Okay?”

“Okay. Yes. Very okay”.


End file.
